sleeping · in · the · flowers

i don't know god
and i don't know anyone
i don't know god
and i don't know if anything at all will be all right

i've got my hands on the one hand

and i don't know where to put them.

I had a dream last night/this morning that my grampa was dying. Which he actually did, almost two years ago. It was really gross (in the dream, not real life) - he was coughing up blood in the beds and shitting himself and leaving poo tracks everywhere, and I had to take care of it, or just did because I loved him. Also my mom was in the dream; she took me to The Store Next To Big Lots, but then wouldn't let me go into Big Lots because she had to get back home - again, the house i grew up in that she doesn't live in anymore because it got repossessed. (I have had recurring dreams about leaving my stuff in/at this house for many years.) A bunch of my high school friends were hanging out in the parking lot, and there was an airplane and some kind of ceremony for these medical students who were in military dress except all the girls were wearing pleated skirts instead of pants. But I had to go with my mom back to the puke-and-poo house, where I found a letter from her telling me she knew I had a lesbian girlfriend living in there because she could hear her moaning, and she was concerned because this girl looked underage. The girl was my Preacher's Wife friend from down the street, and in my dream she was actually 20, so I was like, oh duh mom. But also in the letter my mom said her husband is beating her and she can't take it any more and is leaving, so I was gonna have to care for my Pap all alone. My high school boy friends, especially Brian, Mark, Jeff and Russ, helped me clean up all the messes and cook and also brought me birthday presents. And somehow John was already my husband and lived in my grandparents' old bedroom with me. Strangely, my reaction to all this was, "ho-hum."

Our cell phone bill was almost $200 because I forgot to switch back to the 'unlimited messaging' plan after we got a new phone that actually worked. The old phone had a permanent error on AIM (maybe it was fixable, but I wasn't going to one of those mall booths where the dudes scream "MA'AM, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? ARE YOU CURRENTLY SUBSCRIBED TO A MOBILE PROVIDER?!" to find out) so I'd switched it to the cheapest text/IM plan - 400 messages for 4.99. Unfortunately, between July 21 and August 2, when I realized my mistake and switched the plan back, we went over that limit by, oh, 1,100 messages. Eeeeeeeek. I'm almost as stupid as my brother who signed up for a whole bunch of joke-of-the-day, Jamster type things and ended with a $1000 bill - on my mom's phone. Um, duhhhh.

In other news: I'm still not sure whether I should call about some of these houses or not. I'm afraid that I won't be able to change myself the way people need me to in order to live with them. But I bet it sure would feel good if I could. I hate being terrified of everyone and everything that doesn't involve typing or staring at a little box of pixels all the time. Which is another reason I haven't called, because that would involve actually speaking to another human being. Ugggggh, self loathing.

Also: our dog is still gone, and my two-year-old still goes to the back room and says "Ah-vuh!", which breaks my heart immensely. And now that he's become my sons' cousin's pet, it's not like we could ever take him back even if we do move to a dog-friendly house. Not that I took good care of him anyway. I suck.

There must be a bee colony residing near our back door, because over the weekend Lauren got stung on our back stoop, and this afternoon as I was opening the door for the boys I felt a little tickle under my hand. I looked and there was a bee on my palm. I have no idea why it didn't sting me, but I'm very grateful, as the last time I was stung I had to go to the emergency room. So I annihilated him with half a can of aerosol hairspray. I've been told that's cruel, but as far as I'm concerned, with those things it's kill or bee killed. Ha ha.

Also our dog is gone, as of about 30 minutes ago. Our neighbor, a retired cop who's lived there for over 40 years, called our landlord to complain about his 'incessant barking', which was a total lie. He said the dog barks all day when we're not home, which is ass, because I'm ALWAYS HOME. It's like, in my job description: Stay AT HOME Mom. Anyway, he's off to live at the in-laws' for a few days, then hopefully with John's uncle. Maybe we can borrow him back if we ever move. So basically now I am so alone, which I guess is what I deserve. This is going to be the hardest night - and I've had a LOT of hard nights. I wish I had my best friend to talk to. Alternately, I wish I didn't need people so damn much that I always manage to fuck everything up by being defensively offensive. Alternately, I wish I was the kind of person who did drugs alone.

Your Existing Situation
Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Your Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

Your Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.